In the blog I want to be as open and honest as I possibly can about my own experiences with mental illness and everything I’ve learnt along the way. The reason for this is that the richest, most helpful information I can give you will be information which is not limited by feelings of shame or self-interest.
Discussing one’s mental health issues and their background is understandably a very difficult thing for a lot of people to do. These are subjects touching on people’s deepest fears and sensitivities, and no-one should ever have to share something about themselves against their will.
With that in mind, let’s try to scratch the surface of one of the main obstacles to a completely unhindered conversation about mental health.
At this early stage in my blogging journey, it’s timely to consider shame and how it affects our conversations around mental health issues, whether it be a blog like this or a casual chat with a friend.
In particular, I’d like to discuss the shame we often feel for actually having something which could be classified as a mental illness. I’d like to try to break down the shackles which prevent productive conversations about mental health issues as much as I can.
I’m in the fortunate position of having reached a stage where I genuinely have no shame or reluctance about discussing my mental health issues including OCD, PTSD, depression and anxiety.
One reason for this is that, through my own difficult process of self assessment, I’ve learnt how and why my mental health issues started – and there’s truly nothing to be ashamed about!
It’s also important to realise that part of the process of improving our mental health is coming to emotionally accept ourselves the way we are, irrespective of our individual history and imperfections. I’ll talk more about this in future posts.
Naturally shame can affect us in different ways, and these can often be intertwined with one another. However today, as I mentioned, I’m talking specifically about the shame which stops us from having open, helpful discussions about our mental health issues.
We’re All Fighting a Battle
Have you ever heard the quote “Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about”?
I actually love this. There are slightly different variations of the original quote, commonly attributed to English author John Watson, whose pen name was Ian Maclaren.
While the quote doesn’t mention mental health specifically, it’s especially relevant to the subject. And the term ‘fighting a battle’ seems to fit very well. Certainly it feels that way sometimes!
The sad reason the quote is so accurate is that the large majority of people go around with smiling facades which hide all their fears and anxieties. It’s not considered ‘cool’ to show any weaknesses or vulnerabilities in front of others and so practically everyone puts on a happy face.
What happens as a result is that an individual with troublesome mental health issues looks around them and comes to think everyone else is as happy as a lark. The person’s own mental health challenges are bad enough without them being made to feel even more different by the observation that no-one else apparently has any problems.
The resulting feeling of isolation and the perception of being different to everyone else do not help anyone with poor mental health. People may think things like “I’m the only one with this problem”, “What’s wrong with me?”, “I’m not worthy of their company” or “They don’t want to hear my problems”. I know I did.
It’s certainly not an environment which encourages people to open up to others about their mental health issues. In fact, although it might seem innocent enough on the face of it, when you consider the effect it can have on people, sadly it’s quite toxic.
I get it – everyone wants to look ‘cool’. But to share your story with others is in fact one of the coolest things you could ever do!
So, as much as I love that quote, I propose an improvement. Let’s show exactly how to “Be Kind” to others: “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Ask them to tell you about it.”
The Stigma of Mental Illness
Sadly many people are uncomfortable, even afraid, to discuss their mental health issues for fear of being ridiculed or judged by others.
And it’s an age-old issue. The shame of experiencing a mental illness has a lot to do with the stigma which society attached to mental health issues a long time ago.
Ignorance and misinformation has contributed to society’s lack of understanding. This has led to negative attitudes and discrimination, hence the stigma.
In a way it’s ironic that people who feel prejudice towards others are quite likely living with their own mental health issues at some level (remember the quote), and putting someone else down makes them feel better about themselves, in a troubling sort of way.
Fortunately, in the last twenty or thirty years this stigma has somewhat abated. And although we still have a long way to go to reach universal, judgment-free acceptance of people living with mental illnesses, society is heading in the right direction.
And with this in mind, I’m optimistic that slowly more and more people will feel comfortable about sharing their mental health experiences and knowledge in the hope of helping themselves and others. This may be two friends chatting over coffee. It might a family having dinner. It might be a blog such as this. Or it could be any number of other possible scenarios.
Naturally, we should only share what we’re comfortable sharing at a given time – and with whom we share it. We don’t have to tell the whole world everything right at the start!
I should temper my enthusiasm with a word of warning. Sadly, there is always the chance that your words may be met with an insensitive reply, something like “Get over it!” or “I know exactly how you feel”.
For this reason, my suggestion would be to start by sharing your story with those you trust or know very well, moving on to others as you see fit.
Understand that although the potential benefits well outweigh the risks, your conversation might not go exactly to plan. Don’t be taken by surprise if that happens, and know that it’s most likely borne of a lack of understanding on the other person’s part.
As time goes on, we may feel increasingly comfortable opening up more and more. I think any effort we make to do this is extremely worthwhile and potentially very beneficial. A word of warning though! Always consider others and use thoughtful, suitable language in both verbal conversations and the written word. And don’t talk in a way which will clearly make people feel awkward or embarrassed.
A World Free of Mental Health Stigma
Let’s imagine what would happen in a world where we all acknowledge the fact that everyone, if not the large majority, have some sort of mental health issue, whether they know about it or not. We all begin to see that such issues, despite their unpleasant nature, are perfectly normal, extremely common, and nothing to be ashamed about.
A new understanding and empathy of each other starts to take over – an understanding that trauma in all its forms is a common occurrence, and an empathy with others which acknowledges both the trauma and the mental challenges which follow.
Slowly but surely people start to open up to each other. Before long the shame which once held everyone back is a distant memory, and we start to wonder how we could have all been so short-sighted.
Sharing our stories and problems is suddenly ‘cool’, and although people may look about as happy as they did before, everyone on the inside is a lot more relaxed and at peace with themselves. General anxiety levels have dropped, and the smiling facades have become faces with genuine smiles.
In this new reality, some people go into great detail about their experiences and problems. In fact they thrive on it because they know it’s helping themselves and others. And shame is never even considered.
Others are understandably more reticent, but as time goes on, chances are they’ll become more comfortable sharing just a little of their story. Even sharing just a little will probably bring significant relief to a troubled mind.
And no-one judges, no matter how much or how little you say. That goes to understanding.
This scenario would not solve all of our mental health issues. But it would be a great start.
Apart from the benefits I’ve already mentioned, we’d respect and love each other more by better understanding each other’s problems and vulnerabilities, rather than thinking everyone else lived in some sort of utopia. As a result, even more conversation would be encouraged.
(Ask yourself why you love someone, perhaps a spouse, a partner, or a good friend. Do you love them for their flawlessness or for their vulnerabilities and imperfections?)
There’s one other powerful benefit. While knowledge about our own mental health is vital, we have so much to learn from others. By harnessing our collective wisdom, mental health could become much easier to understand.
And so by having greater clarity about what’s going on in our minds and bodies, we’d be more empowered in our efforts to deal with mental health issues and so make better lives for ourselves.
Within the next couple of posts, it’ll be my turn to open up. I’ll go into the nitty-gritty about how and why my mental illness started. I’d like you to see exactly how a mental illness can develop and to show that it’s perfectly okay to talk about it free of shame.